b'M forget the day last July when he said sacred or special moments. The idea came afterarianist Brother Jesse ONeill will neverBrother Jesse moved to St. Louis, and he and hisgoodbye to his mom, Dorothy, 88, at a mother started saying the Hail Mary together on thesenior care center in Delaware. He was moving tophone. Initially, when I asked my mom if she wantedSt. Louis to become assistant for education for the to pray with me, she said, yes. But now its changedMarianist Province and knew he would most certainly to an enthusiastic yes, yes, I do! She repeats the yes,see her again. But when I got in my car, I cried likeand at the end of every prayer, without fail, she says,I had never cried before, he says, tears welling up That was nice! And I respond, Thats the best partas he recounts that moment. I felt like I was aban- of my day! And thats how we end every phone call.doning her. In my heart, I knew that wasnt true. ButPHOTO: KYLENE CLEAVERstill, it was hard.Like many in his age group, Brother Jesse is expe-riencing one of lifes biggest challenges: the aging andloss of parents. Its a new reality for us, he says, alluding to three other MarianistsFathers TomFrench, John Thompson and Brother Charles Johnson who are some of his best friends.The four share a long history. All grew up on theEast Coast, were drawn to the Marianists in high schoolor as young adults, can often finish one anotherssentences and have enough Irish blood in their veinsto tell a hilarious story or two. (Well, maybe more!)At this juncture in their friendships, the roller coasterchallenges of long-distance eldercare have created aneven deeper bond. And like all good friends, they havereached out to help one another, offering a listeningear, some heartfelt sympathy and an occasional bellylaugh. Here are a few of their tips on caring for Slow down, be presentaging parents. Six years ago, Father John Thompsons mother, Muriel,died rather suddenly from an onset of cancer at age 83. Just holding handsCreate sacred momentsEd and Muriel, Father Johns parents, had moved to with my mom gives Brother Jesse was 15 when his father, Edward, 47, Florida in 2011, having migrated there from New York. us a sense of died suddenly from a heart attack. It was the first His two brothers live in Florida and have handled connection. A hugtime I had experienced death, he says. Losing my the lions share of caretaking for my parents, says also is important dad was a life-changer. Father John, and, for which I am deeply grateful. because elderly But from it, Brother Jesse learned the value ofBut I always felt that I wasnt doing enough. Father peopleespeciallylistening to people talk about a family member they John served in Hawaii and Mexico during much of those experiencinghave lost. Its a real gift to let others reminisce about this time before becoming pastor at Holy Rosary parish dementiabegin a loved one, he says. Theres such therapeutic value in San Antonio. to feel isolated. in it. While he continued to rely on his siblings, in JanuaryRecently, his mother moved to a new senior care his dads health began to change. My dads doctorBrother Jesse ONeill, SMcenter in Pennsylvania, only minutes from the home asked him what he did for a living, says Father John.of Brother Jesses sister, Patricia. I go back to visit my He was a New York City fireman, something he wasmom as often as I can, he says. very proud of, and yet, he couldnt remember.From those visits, hes gleaned some valuableAt the doctors suggestion, Ed moved from assistedinsights. Just holding hands with my mom gives us living into a memory care unit. In September, after hisa sense of connection. A hug also is important because health declined rapidly, he was placed in hospice.elderly peopleespecially those experiencingTwo days later, he died.dementiabegin to feel isolated. Still grieving the loss of his dad, Father John offersBrother Jesse recommends: Take time to hold this advice: Get professionals involved if you needthem. Let them know you love them. help with parents who are in denial about their healthHis final recommendation? Pray together. Create or end-of-life choices, he says.marianist.com/donate 11'